Thursday, June 22, 2006
pathetic, i noe.
i viewed an old fren's profile on frenster juz now. sumhow i began tinking abt my past. but i aint sad or anything. i've accepted who i was. n tt made me who i am now.rite 4rm e start, i was a very insecure child. tt explains my sucky experience in pri sch. i desperately needed 2 feel 'accepted'. so i hung out wif a clique. i cant remember exactly wat happened but i was kinda deserted. me being e blur sotong i was, i din realise it until end of yr wen my ex-clique members wrote sarcastic nasty notes in e diary i was passing arnd 4 my classmates 2 write down a little momento. i was like "oh begini rupanyer wat they tink of me"
so in p6, naturally i got into a diff clique. things were great. we hung out after sch. i always balik rumah 1 of e girls @ cck. we used 2 go 2 e toilet 2gether n fuss abt our hair n everything. den 1 day, i was sabo-ed by 1 of them. i tink she got jealous abt me being close to e other 2. it's a long story...@ e end, e other 2 sided her n once again, i got deserted.
next was sec sch. after my pri sch experience, i was scared shit sey. luckily my mother's colleague's fren got e same class as me in sec1. she was frm dazhong also but i din really talk to her b4. so we hit it off n got along so well. until now, i dun tink we've ever argued b4. she was a gd fren. not like e b*tches in pri sch. i got 2 noe a whole grp of mly girls. we only had 4 express classes so all of us can make up 1 mly class. a few of e girls are still in touch wif me now. i den joined e band out of passion 4 music n i havent regretted it since. finally i was part of a 'family' n it felt so good. my band family will always have a place in my heart, esp e trombone section. my sec1 til sec4 classmates were e best classmates 1 cud ever have. we were so close-knit. once again, i was part of a 'family' even though i was e only mly in sec3 n 4. even e chinese guys were close 2 me. a certain few ah. me n e chinese girls were literally a family. we had nicknames 4 each other. i tink i was e 'mum'. den i had a 'daughter'. n many many many 'grandaughters'. i totally 4got abt my pathetic pri sch life.
den came jc. i tink dis was e hardest challenge in my sch life. i 1st went 2 pjc for my 1st 3 mths study. e environment there was almost like in sec sch. e mlys were sooo close 2gether since there were a limited no. of us. i moved 2 jjc after tt. i had just came out of a fantastic sec sch experience n was ready 4 more. it started off very well. i had 2 close girlfrens. was part of e band family again n pursued my passion 4 dance. den trouble came, i had probs @ hm n was living wif my grandparents. my self-confidence disappeared. i began 2 imagine things, outrageous things. i had mood swings n always jumped 2 e conclusion tt ppl dun like me. i cut my hair short, very short. i accused my own 2 girlfrens of not trying 2 help me wif my life. i cried almost every day. i vomitted everything i ate. yupz, i had bulimia. 1 of my girlfrens stopped talking 2 me bcos she cudnt stop me 4rm vomitting. e other 1 had to repeat her yr1 so for e 3rd time in my life, i was alone again. 1 incident tt i will always remember was wen i walked out of my class party/bbq @ east coast. i was feeling very down tt day but i still went bcos my classmates persuaded me. e girls went to take pics of e ocean. e guys went to rent bikes. n i was 'assigned' e task of 'jaga-ing' e stuff. in my corrupted mind, i concluded tt they took me 4 granted n purposely left me out of their activities. stupid, i noe. so i packed my stuff n left. juz like tt. they called me wen i was already boarding e bus n tried 2 reason things out. e hot babe of e class even downgraded herself juz 2 show me tt nobody is perfect. she told me tt even though she looks hot, she doesnt wear short skirts bcos her thighs are huge. of course @ tt pt of time, nuthing went into my head. i put down e fone n went hm.
after receiving my A level cert, i started relief teaching. tt's wen my confidence came back n my personality tt i now have emerged. in front of e kids, i dun have 2 b self-conscious bcos hell, they're juz kids! they wont tell me tt e cutting of my pants dun fit me or stuff like e lipstick i wear 2day doesnt match my shoes. my colleagues were very friendly ppl who made me feel '@ hm'. so gradually i discarded my old self. i got married, became pregnant n gave birth 2 a beautiful baby. wen i came back 2 teaching wif a fatter body, i din care. i juz bought bigger clothes. my whole life was devoted 2 my baby girl n my adopted 40 children who i love so much.
n now, i am who i am. sumone who've learnt tt life's too short 2 b worrying abt stupid stuff like tt. sumtimes my insecurity comes back haunting me but wif e great frens i have now, y is there a need 2 feel insecure? they're my lovelies, they wont judge me. i'm a confident mother of a 2yr old. i dun mind being laughed @ or made fun bcos of my wgt (damn u faizal!). i speak my mind wen there's a need to n i hold my head up high wen i'm walking (but sumtimes must look down, later fall down how?).
Suliana Hot Momma at 5:45 AM
4 Comments
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at June 23, 2006 5:21 PM
Shik said... hey there su.. this is shik/shikin here.. came across your blog.. this entry is really touching.. i can relate to some quite a bit.. :P.. anyway, which year did you go to pjc? i was there for my first 3 months too.. haha.. anyway, i really do admire you.. you have a beautiful daughter and you're handling your life very well.. and yes, no matter how often we say we don't care about what other people say, we do.. we can hear all but listen to those just a few i guess.. anyways take care and all the best for the coming practicum... ciaoz...
p.s can i link u?-
at June 23, 2006 11:22 PM
Suliana Hot Momma said...
hey girl. ya sure. i'll link u too k? wats ur add?
i may seem strong. but yeah, there are times wen i thought nuthing was possible. alhamdulillah, i've been able to move on wif my life.
gd luck for ur practicum too shik :)-
at June 27, 2006 12:11 PM
Shik said...
hey su, just read your latest post abt rina having chicken pox.. sorry to hear that... i hope she's not in too much pain...
you can find me here
take care all right...-
at July 09, 2006 9:09 PM
liza said...
hello! i miss band! and like you, i really feel that band's like 'THE family'! it was nice getting crazy with everyone.
